What road to take?

Work continues on the process of better understanding the path that I am about to embark on. A crossroad has appeared within the existential scaffolding of my soul. Today I realized that I have been camping at this crossroad for months, maybe the better part of a year. If the choosing of which road to take was a joint that you were smoking with friends, then I have been bogarting it.

The conundrum of the various roads that are in front of me is that I don’t know which one will be successful. What option I pick needs to have the potential to create some revenue. The financial impact of my choice does not need to be immediate or have to be large. I just need some money coming in.

Making these choices is the puzzle of life, isn’t it?

When I was younger these kinds of choices were easy. More often than not, I would just jump and the idea of success of failure was not even considered. Now that I am older, making this choice is agonizingly difficult.

“What if I fail? Am I completely fucked?” is the rote script that my inner voice plays back to me.

There is weight to this decision that is difficult to define. I can only describe it as an Ether that drifts in and out like tide with no defined schedule. At moments, it wanders between the fabric of my skeletal tissue, and then it falls away and feels just out of reach of my comprehension. The heaviness of it varies hour by hour, day by day. Attempts to analyze it consistently elude me. Admittedly, there is a part of my conscience that does not was to look deep inside and discover what the ether consists of.

As much as I would rather not make eye contact with mysteries inside the fog, I can’t resist the gravitational pull of what might be found inside.

Is an answer even lurking inside there or is this just a stupid charade? The rationalist companion that loiters just behind my left shoulder whispers, “but what if you choose the wrong road? What then?”

Great question. What then?

If I choose poorly, will end back up at the crossroads? A bigger question: once I decide and begin my journey down the undiscovered way, will the Ether drift into nothing or continue to leach onto me and follow me everywhere?

Are these even answerable questions? Is this all just a barrier that my unconscious self has fabricated to stall forward progress?

Maybe.

What needs to happen, no, check that. What will happen, is that I need to make a choice. Just decide. The path that I go down is not irrecoverable. Nothing is forever. If the decision I make is not working out, then a new path will make its presence known and a new journey will begin.